So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
