there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
