No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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