I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
