it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
