and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
