the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
This is my gift to your gina
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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