I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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