12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
