Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
