Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
