Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
