I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Operation Purity has been aborted
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
