Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
