I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
