so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
