There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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