I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
