I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
