38 yer olds are good kisserssss
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
