My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
