Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Let's paint friendship bongs
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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