im drinking this country out of the recession.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
