If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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