So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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