in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
