Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
