3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
