Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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