My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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