dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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