There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
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