this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
