I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
