she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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