I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
