my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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