dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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