I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
