Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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