tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
