True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
