If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
