why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
