so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
