I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
