When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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