That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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