I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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