just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
