I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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