I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
