I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize