Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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