Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
