My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
