AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
