Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
