He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
