I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
