tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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