I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
