We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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