By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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