Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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