Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
