Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
