It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
