My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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