I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
