I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
