Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
