I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
